Potter Puppet Pals: Wizard Swears/Transcript

(A warning appears, rating the episode PG-13 for language)

(Ron and Hermione are seen bouncing up and down next to each other)

(Harry comes into view)

Harry: Guys, Professor Dumbledore posted a list of words that are banned from Hogwarts! I didn't know Wizards had swears.

Hermione: Of course they do, Harry, they're called "Wizard Swears".

Ron: Ohhhh, like "Cauldron Bum"!

Harry: Really? That's adorable!

Hermione: Well, they're worse than that. Read some, Harry.

Harry: Let's see here...

(Harry looks at the list, and reads some out loud)

Harry: Son of a banshee? That's useful.

Hermione: Swish and flicker! That's my favorite.

(Snape appears and clears his throat)

Snape: Do my ears detect foul mouthedness?

Hermione: Oh, No, Professor Snape...

(Out of the blue, Harry shouts something)

Harry: VOLDEMORT'S NIPPLE!

Snape: Excuse me!?

Hermione: Harry!

Snape: I refuse to have this filth spwed in my presence, Mr. Potter. Five-Hundred-Thousand points from Gryfindor!

Ron: Dragon bogies!

(Everyone turns to look at Ron)

Harry: (whispers to Hermione and Ron): Everybody run!

(Harry turns)

Harry: Expecto Patronans!

(They all ran away)

(Snape sighs)

Snape: Rabble-Rousers...

(The trio is giggling)

Harry: That was fun.

(Harry sees a butternut squah, dressed to look like Neville)

Harry: Oh, Hi, Neville.

Neville (in a slow, high voice): Hello, Harry...Hermione...Ronald. What's up, guys?

Ron: We're saying magical naughty words! Like, Jiggery Pokery!

(Neville gasps and leaps in the air)

Neville: My grandmother forbids me from using washy language.

Harry: Well, your grandmother is a Blast-Ended Skank!

(Neville tears up)

Hermione: He doesn't mean it, Neville. He's just trying out some Wizard Swears.

Harry: I mean every word I ever say ever, because I'm Harry Potter!

(thunder sounds)

(Neville walks away sadly)

Neville: I'm telling Professor Dumbledore!

Ron: Your such a broomhead!

(Neville walks faster)

Neville: This is against the rules!

(Harry blocks the doorway)

Harry: I can't let you do this, Neville.

(Neville backs off)

Neville: Oh, no, no, no. I don't want to swear. My grandmother don't want me to swear.

Harry: Are you a Gryffindor or not, Neville?

Neville: I am a Gryffindor, but, but, but...

Harry: Try it then! Here's the list. Say anything.

(Neville takes the list)

Neville: Um, um, er...

Hermione: You can do it, Neville!

Neville: h-H-Hagwid's Buttcwack

(meant to be "Hagrid's Buttcrack")

Ron and Hermione: Yayyyyyy!

Harry: (to Neville): You sicken me...

Neville: B-b-but it's on the list...

Harry: Hagrid is ten times the man you'll ever be, Neville!

(Neville sulks down)

Harry: Leave Hogwarts, Neville Longbottom, and never come back.

(he walks away, crying)

Ron and Hermione: Yayyyy!

Hermione: Wow, Harry, your quite the hellion, today, Harry.

Ron: Yeah, your alive with boyish attitude!

Harry: Hey, let's do a prank-call!

(Harry holds a phone and puts it on speaker)

Voldemort: Dear Lord Voldemort, speaking.

Harry: Leprachaun tainte!

Voldemort: What!? Dang you kids! If I ever find out who's calling me, I'll will go to Wizard Court, and you will go to Wizard Jail! And I will kill you! Stop calling!

(Snape and Dumbledore walk in. Harry drops the phone).

Dumbledore: Professor Snape would like to have a word with you, children.

Hermione: Oh, Unicorn Turds.

Snape: That's exactly the sort of vulgarity that I want to iradicate from the distinguished halls of Hogwarts. The traditions of the school must be upheld and respected. The founders surely...

Harry: Muggle ****ing Troll ****, Snape!

Snape: WHAT?

Harry: You flobberwanded Dementor boggarter!

(Everyone stares at Harry)

Ron: Dobby's sock!

Snape: Dumbledore, I urge you to expel these monsters!

Dumbledore: Oh, Snape, let them have their flapdoodle!

Snape: Yeah, but your the one who banned them in the first place.

Dumbledore: I don't remember even five minutes ago. Back to your sulking.

(Snape leaves)

Hermione: Thanks so much, Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: Alas, your welcome.

Harry: Dumbledore, your obscenely old, right?

Dumbledore: Why, yes!

Harry: Do you know any super ancient, lost to the ages, arcaic, olden time Wizard Swears?

Dumbledore: Well, there is one...

Ron: We want to hear it!

Dumbledore: Th elder swear...You must never repeat it to anyone!

Hermione: We won't, Professor!

Dumbledore: Well, here it is...

(Dumbledore takes a deep breath)

Dumbledore: YOUR MOTHER IS A **************ING*****************LAURA MINSON******************ADMIN VENIUM****************TRAGGULA***********-*******HIPPOPATUMUS***********-******************REPUBLICAN*******ING ********DANIEL RADCLIFFE*********WITH A BUCKET OF*******************IN A CASTLE FAR AWAY WHERE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU****SOUP************WITH A BUCKET OF********MICKEY MOUSE**********AND A STICK OF ******* DYNAMITE******************MAGICAL***********************************ALA-CAZAM!

(Dumbledore heavily breathes)

(After a few silence moments, Ron talks)

Ron: Whoa...

Dumbledore: Now you know. You must never, ever repeat it. OK?

Harry: We promise, Sir.

(Harry, Ron, And Hermione are tormenting Neville, who is crying)

Harry, Ron, And Hermione: YOUR MOTHER IS A **************ING*****************LAURA MINSON******************ADMIN VENIUM****************TRAGGULA***********-*******HIPPOPATUMUS...

The End