My own answer

MudBlood

What is a muggle?

A muggle is a very rare dog species.

Why did snape hate harry?

Harry offered him some shampoo

How did voldemort die

He got sanitizer on a cut

Why did Cedric die?

Cuz he insulted bellatrix's makeup

Why did sirius escape?

The other inmates wont let him have his turn with the dolls >:(

Why is Lupin a werewolf?

Fenrir wanted a friend

Who's albus dumbledore

Dumbledore's a muggle

What is a Horcrux?

A item that can kill you

A bouncy ferret