Gryffindor: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

Ravenclaw: You're a hazard to society

Slytherin: And a coward. DO TWENTY

*

Ravenclaw: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.

Gryffindor:

Slytherin:

Hufflepuff: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first-

*

Ravenclaw: You know those things will kill you, right?

Gryffindor, pouring another glass of whiskey: That’s the point.

Slytherin, smoking: We’re trying to speed up the process.

Hufflepuff: *Nods while eating raw cookie dough*

*

Hufflepuff: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Slytherin: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

*

Ravenclaw: Why are you on the floor?

Gryffindor: I'm depressed.

Gryffindor: Also I was stabbed, can you get Helena, please.