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Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash is a chapter of an unofficial novel written by a predictive[1] AI controlled by Botnik Studios and released on their website in 2018.


Chapter 13: The Handsome One[]

The magically magnified wind blew against the Hogwarts castle grounds while the black sky rained blood. Meanwhile, in Hagrid's hut, all that was audible was his furniture. Harry Potter thought magic was 'very good'. Rain fell like 'leathery sheets' on top of Harry's ghost as he walked the grounds. Harry came across Ron doing a frenzied tap dance, but once he saw Harry, he started eating Hermione's family. Ron's Ron shirt was just as bad as he was and he looked like a 'loud, slow, and soft bird' to Harry. He did not like to think about birds. Ron spotted Death Eaters on the castle roof and was going to be 'spiders', but he was not proud of it, knowing that he'll be covered in them anyway.

Hermione suggested that they listen to the Death Eaters' meetings, so the trio made their way to the castle roof door's landing. They almost ran in, but 'witches aren't climbing'. Ron then looked at the doorknob, then painfully at Hermione, saying that the door was closed. Mr Staircase, a resident ghost, elaborated that it was locked. They screamed at the door and asked it to be replaced with an orb. Then, Hermione cried out the password: "Beef Women."

The trio then stood behind a Death Eater circle, whose members looked 'bad'. One Death Eater confidently kisses another Death Eater on the cheek, and the others clapped for them.

The Death Eaters went over their plan to strip Harry of his magic, and Harry could tell that the Dark Lord was standing behind him. Overreacting, Harry ripped his eyes out of his head (much to Voldemort's confusion), threw them into the Forbidden Forest, and told Voldemort off. Meanwhile, Hermione dipped the face a tall Death Eater, who was wearing a shirt that said 'Hermione Has Forgotten How to Dance'. Ron threw a wand at the Dark Lord while everyone applauded, then slowly reached for his own while Harry, as he muttered 'Ron's the handsome one', reluctantly did the same. They cast a spell or two while green light shot out of the heads of the Death Eaters, causing Ron to afterwards. Harry thought 'Not so handsome now' as he dipped Hermione in hot sauce.

The Death Eaters were dead and Harry was hungrier than he'd ever been. Meanwhile, moaning chandeliers filled the Great Hall and a large librarian used masonry books to decorate the sinks. Mountains of mice exploded, long pumpkins fell off McGonagall, Dumbledore's hair then went next to Hermione as he arrived at the school. The Hufflepuff pig pulsed like a bullfrog, and Dumbledore, smiling at it, placed his hand on its head and told it that it is Hagrid now.

The trio said together that '[They're] the only people who matter. He's never going to get rid of [them]'. The castle floor seemed to be a big magic pile, and the Dursleys weren't ever going to be there. Harry then looked around and fell down the staircase for the whole summer, afterwards exclaiming 'I'm Harry Potter. The dark arts better be worried, oh boy!".

Notes and references[]

  1. From http://botnik.org/content/harry-potter.html, as the bottom of that page says 'algorithm: PREDICTIVE'.